How to attract women?

Answer - read a book.

Well, that’s not the answer, but rather, an answer.

It's interesting that we turn to books (or YouTube) to learn how things work, but when it comes to our personal life we often struggle to figure things out on our own.

Maybe it’s a point of pride, but irregardless (which is the funner version of ‘regardless’. Related, how is ‘funner’ also not a “real” word?).  

As they say, “If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten."

Specifically for online dating, if you’d like to improve your dating profile and meet women online, there are books that can help.

Instead of just tactics, these 7 books are focused on self-growth, which can then leads to better results - naturally.  


7.) WHAT EVERY BODY IS SAYING: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People by Joe Navarro

 

Unless you have Professor X-like ability, figuring out what someone is thinking can be difficult - even though clues can flash right before our eyes.

According to research, 93% of communication is nonverbal, with nearly 55% being conveyed through body language.

So if we’re inundated with body communication, why is it so hard to decipher what’s being ‘said’?

To make matters worse, by default men aren’t as attuned at nonverbal communication.

So, a woman might get frustrated because she thinks she’s obviously signaling her intention (like ‘you’re a creeper, please leave’ or ‘you’re cute, stay and chat’), but it’s not even registering on the guy’s radar.

The good news is that learning how to decode nonverbal communication is possible, and that men who received training were able to show improvements.

What Every Body Is Saying was written by a former FBI counterintelligence officer who’s regarded as an expert on ‘reading people’ based on their nonverbal behavior.

This book can help when you’re on the date, but it could also help decide if you should even go on the date. Do her dating profile pictures reveal confidence, insecurity, etc?

Here’s an excerpt straight from the book:


"A potential suitor can get a pretty good reading on how things are going based on this “shoe-play” behavior. If, upon approaching a woman (or after talking with her for a while), her shoe play stops, she adjusts her shoe back on her foot, and especially if she follows this by turning slightly away from the suitor and perhaps gathering up her purse, well, in the language of baseball, that suitor has most likely just struck out.

Ever wonder what kind of first impression you’ve made on someone? Whether they seem to like you from the outset or, rather, if there could be difficulties brewing? One way to find out is the “shake and wait” ap-proach.

Here’s how it works. Foot and leg behavior is especially important to observe when you first meet people. It reveals a lot about how they feel about you.

Personally, when I first meet someone, I typically lean in, give the person a hearty handshake (depending on the appropriate cultural norms in the situation), make good eye contact, and then take a step back and see what happens next.

One of three responses is likely to take place:

(a) the person will remain in place, which lets me know he or she is comfortable at that distance.
(b) the individual will take a step back or turn slightly away, which lets me know he or she needs more space or wants to be elsewhere.
(c) the person will actually take a step closer to me, which means he or she feels comfortable and/or favorable toward me.

Remember, the feet are the most honest part of the body. If someone takes a step toward me, I know they feel more comfortable near me." ~ Joe Navarro

6.) FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY by Susan Jeffers


Fear is a doozy.

In pretty much all aspects of life, fear can stop us in our tracks and hold us back from reaching our goals.

For most of us, approaching and talking to an attractive stranger is on par with public speaking - which most people rank as more fearful than death.

So Fear the Fear and Do it Anyways is great at breaking down fear and looking at it from a different angle.

Susan Jeffers talks about her personal struggles with fear and how that helped make some big life choices.

Part of attracting women and improving your social life is to manage your fear and venture out of your comfort zone - which is usually where the good stuff lives.

And this book is great about giving you techniques to break through your fear barriers.

From her book "Fear the Fear and Do It Anyway", and its follow up "Feel the Fear and Beyond", here are five truths about fear...

1.) “The fear will never go away as long as you continue to grow!”

Analysis: A lot of time we tell ourselves “someday I’ll…” Well, whatever you think is holding you back, will still be there in the future, so you might as well take that first step today.

2.) “The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and…do it!”

Analysis: Sadly the solution we need isn’t always ‘easy’. Like eating healthy and frequent exercise aren’t easy, but that’s what’s needed to get the results we want. So, the only way to get rid of your anxiety is to do the thing that makes you nervous.

One of the best examples is Toastmasters, which helps participants get over public speaking anxiety, by simply getting up and speaking in front of the group. You will have faced the unknown and you will have handled it. Then new challenges await you, which certainly add to the excitement in living.

3.) “The only way to feel better about yourself is to go out and…do it!”

nalysis: Facing the unknown and taking a step towards what you’re afraid of (even a small step) builds confidence in knowing that you can handle more than you think.

4.) “Not only are you afraid when facing the unknown, so is everyone else!”

Analysis: Yep, you’re not alone. Any anxiety you feel around dating is totally normal. The successful guys who already figured out how to meet women, felt the exact same nerves that you feel. They just kept at it, till eventually the fear diminished.

5.) “Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the bigger underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness!”

Analysis: Facing your fears (even in small steps) empowers you and gives you sense of relief as any feelings of helplessness quietly dissipates.


5.) THE RULES: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider


This book doesn’t receive the same hype that it did in the mid to late 90’s, but it’s still worth reading.

The main philosophy is that women should not pursue men, but rather, should get men to pursue them.

So the ‘rules’ are essentially tips on playing hard to get.

The main theory is that we humans don’t value things that are in high-supply and easy to get. Conversely, things that are scarce and hard to come by are more valued and treasured.

Can these rules be considered head games? Yep. Annoying? Maybe. Do they work? Possibly.

Some Rules include:

“Always End Phone Calls First”
For those who still use the phone part of their phone, they recommend not staying on the phone longer than 10 minutes and staying upbeat and friendly. No matter what, refrain from venting or going on and on about your problems. 

With the shorter phone time, you’re also less likely to put your foot in your mouth while leaving an air of mystery about yourself.  

“Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date After Wednesday”
They recommend taking control of your schedule, so as not to sit and wait for someone else to decide if you’re doing something on Saturday.

Guys, whether you’re dating a ‘Rules Woman’ or not, it’s good practice to make plans a few days in advance.

If you reverse the roles, and women did the asking, how would you feel if she tried to make day of plans?

Maybe like she figured you didn’t have anything else going on? Or maybe you would just drop your plans for her?

Either way, remember that when you’re the one making plans.

“Don't Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls”
This one definitely falls in the (annoying?) head games arena. The Rules tell women not to call/ text, because it reveals their interest, and once a man knows a woman is interested, the man’s desire diminishes.

Is that accurate?

Well, it’s hard to tell. There’s research that shows we tend to like those who like us. It’s called the ‘reciprocity of liking’. Findings also show we tend to be attracted to that person who likes us.

But from our own experience, there is some truth to the fact that we want what we can’t have.

A milder form of not calling, might be to keep a one-to-one relationship on calls and texts.

So, you can initiate the conversation, but you can’t call or text again, until she gets back to you. That way you’ll avoid over texting and will keep some of that challenge status.


4.) HOW TO MAKE ANYONE FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU by Leil Lowndes


This is a fascinating (and quick) read as it covers everything from how to meet women all the way to enhancing your bedroom prowess.

Leil breaks down each specific area with scientific findings and personal anecdotes in a warm and conversational style.  

And she has actionable tips that are simple and easy to implement right away.

She starts by answering how to attract someone and what makes people fall in love. So she has tips on eye contact and body language as well as what to say on a first date.

Then she breaks down how to show you’re a good match as well as how to harness the power of compliments.

Here is an excerpt straight from "From How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You":

“When you spot an attractive lady, what's the best strategy? Let your body do the talking. First, use your eyes. Look at her and hold your eye contact for a few extra seconds.

Be prepared for her to look away. A woman has been trained to lower her eyes when a man looks at her. This does not mean she is not interested.

An analysis of flirtation patterns tells us if, after looking away, the woman looks up again within 45 seconds, she welcomes your attention.

Gentlemen, set your chronograph. As she coyly feigns interest in something else in the room, clock how long it takes for her to glance back at you. If it's within 45 seconds, proceed as follows.

Smile at her and give her a little nod. Think of it as making a reservation for a table at an exclusive restaurant.

When you've signaled a woman's attention, you've made your reservation to talk with her. Abolish all thoughts of "What will she think of me if I'm too forward or move too fast?"

She won't think anything of you—good or bad—if you don't meet her. If you don't move fast, every woman will be the one that got away.” ~ Leil Lowndes


3.) THE GAME: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists by Neil Strauss


The corollary of the Rules for women might be the Game for men.

Rather than a standard how-to-guide, the Game is probably the most entertaining book on this list.

Neil Strauss is an engaging storyteller, and in the Game he shares his journey from being an “average frustrated chump” (a nice guy who doesn’t understand what attracts women) to becoming a natural ladies man.

In essence, Neil infiltrates a secret society of international pick-up artists (for a writing assignment), which sounds either fictional and/or ridiculous.

But in a Joseph Campbell-esque way, he goes on a Hero’s Journey and grows as a person by the end.  

Along the way, he shares with readers the tips and techniques that improved his social life. If you’re interested in breaking the ice and chatting with someone new, this would be the best book for approaching women.

It’s worth noting that some view the Game as misogynistic. I will stay out of that discussion, and will leave that up to you, gentle reader, to decide for yourself.

Here’s a short excerpt from the Game:

“A group of women walked by and I tried to say something. But the word "hi" just barely squeaked out of my throat, not even loud enough for them to hear. As they continued past, I followed and grabbed one of the girls on the shoulder from behind.  

She turned around, startled, and gave me the withering whata-creep look that was the whole reason I was too scared to talk to women in the first place.

"Never," Sin admonished me in his adenoidal voice, "approach a woman from behind. Always come in from the front, but at a slight angle so it's not too direct and confrontational.  

You should speak to her over your shoulder, so it looks like you might walk away at any minute. Ever see Robert Redford in The Horse Whisperer? It's kind of like that."

And here are some insights and epiphanies that Neil learned from his experience:

“But who are we, really? Just a bundle of good genes and bad genes mixed with good habits and bad habits. And since there's no gene for coolness or confidence, then being uncool and unconfident are just bad habits, which can be changed with enough guidance and will power.”  ~ Neil Strauss

 

2.) THE ART OF SEDUCTION by Robert Greene

 

In the Art of Seduction, Robert Greene combed the history and literature books to share the essence of seduction, which he describes as the most intoxicating form of power and persuasion.

Or in Robert Greene’s own words - “The Art of Seduction is designed to arm you with weapons of persuasion and charm, so that those around you will slowly lose their ability to resist without knowing how or why it has happened. It is an art of war for delicate times.”

So, Greene shares stories and quotes from the most successful seducers in history as he describes nine different types/personas of seducers.

The seducer's many faces include: the Siren, the Rake, the Ideal Lover, the Dandy, the Natural, the Coquette, the Charmer, and the Charismatic.

The second half of the book is dedicated to the "Seductive Process, "which include tips and techniques on how to enchant and get past the walls of your ‘target’.  

Some of the techniques include: Appear to Be an Object of Desire, Keep Them in Suspense, Prove Yourself, and Master the Art of the Bold Move.

Here is a short excerpt from the "Art of Seduction":

“Today we have reached the ultimate point in the evolution of seduction. Now more than ever, force or brutality of any kind is discouraged. All areas of social life require the ability to persuade people in a way that does not offend or impose itself.

Forms of seduction can be found everywhere, blending male and female strategies. Advertisements insinuate, the soft sell dominates. If we are to change people's opinions—and affecting opinion is basic to seduction—we must act in subtle, subliminal ways.

Today no political campaign can work without seduction.

Since the era of John F. Kennedy, political figures are required to have a degree of charisma, a fascinating presence to keep their audience's attention, which is half the battle. The film world and media create a galaxy of seductive stars and images. We are saturated in the seductive.

But even if much has changed in degree and scope, the essence of seduction is constant: never be forceful or direct; instead, use pleasure as bait, playing on people's emotions, stirring desire and confusion, inducing psychological surrender.

In seduction as it is practiced today, the methods of Cleopatra still hold.” ~ Robert Greene

1.) HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE by Dale Carnegie

 

How to Win Friends and Influence People was first published in 1937 and is one of the all-time international best-sellers with over 50 million copies sold.

So as far as social proof goes, this book is pretty amazing.

People have been reading this classic for insights into advertising, networking, and interpersonal relationships.

That’s why this is one of the best books on improving your online dating profile and having more dating success.

Like “How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You”, Dale Carnegie uses personal stories and anecdotes to convey powerful techniques that still ring true today.

You’ll definitely be able to implement a lot of the lessons into your dating life and guide you on how to talk to women.

In a nutshell, here are six ways on how to get women interested in you...

Principle 1: Become genuinely interested her. As Leil Lowndes would say - shine the spotlight on her and encourage her to talk about herself..

Principle 2: Smile. No one likes a debbie downer, and despite what cologne ads might make you think, smiling makes you more attractive and approachable.

Principle 3: Her own name is to her the most important sound in any language. If you’re emailing, using it in the subject line and definitely include it in the first sentence (“Hey Kate”, rather than just a generic “Hello there”).

Principle 4: Be a good listener. See also Principle 1.

Principle 5: Since you encouraged her to talk about herself, and actually listened, now talk and communicate in terms of her personal interests.

Principle 6: Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely. See Principles 1-5.

Here is an excerpt from How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

The Big Secret of dealing with people:

“There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it.

Remember, there is no other way.

Of course, you can make someone want to give you his watch by sticking a revolver in his ribs. You can make your employees give you cooperation - until your back is turned - by threatening to fire them.

The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want….

What do you want? Not many things, but the few things that you do wish, you crave with an insistence that will not be denied. Some of the things most people want include:

  • Health and the preservation of life

  • Food

  • Sleep

  • Money and the things money will buy

  • Sexual gratification

  • The well-being of our children

  • A feeling of importance

So, if you can be the type of guy who can offer what we’re naturally looking for, you’ll become invaluable and your dating success will skyrocket.

There you have it, 7 books to help you attract more dates by working on yourself. If you’d like to read more about dating, here are our recommended 21 best books on dating.

If you'd like a quick and easy solution for online dating to stand out, build comfort, and meet more dates, check out how to get Date Verified.