Online dating is awesome.
40 million Americans are now dating online.
For context, picture four of your single friends. At least one of them right now is using a dating site (whether they admit it or not).
And did you know that 1 in 3 marriages start from an initial online date?
Online dating is pretty much the best thing to happen to dating since the ‘fake yawn, arm around the shoulder’ move of 1818.
On the other hand, the dangers of online dating can be scary.
Picture this… You sign up for a dating site and right away get contacted.
They’re pretty cute and seem - normal. They’re a doctor. Mom would be proud.
You agree to meet up. Because that’s why you’re doing online dating right? To actually meet up with people.
They say they live right by a fun bar, so you go to their house and plan on walking to the bar together.
You knock on the door, and they greet you with a big smile. They’re super excited to show you a new piece of art they just got. You want to make a good impression and you think ‘I can like art’.
You go in and the door closes…
What happens next?
Well, is it a stretch to think something bad could happen?
Not really.
Most major online dating sites don’t perform any type of background check, so literally anyone with access to a computer can be lurking on your favorite site.
For instance, Jeffrey Marsalis was found guilty of sexual assault as he used Match.com to meet his victims, in which he claimed, in increasing craziness, that he was a doctor, an astronaut and, why not, a spy.
The scarier part is that there are others like him on popular dating sites, ruining a good thing for everyone else. And it’s not just older folks in Kansas who get duped (sorry older folks in Kansas).
Even the savviest person can still fall prey and be a victim of:
Assault, sexual or otherwise.
Email scams.
Creepy harassment and stalking.
Catfishing for financial loss or manipulation
Blackmail from revealing thoughts or risqué photos.
What can you do to keep yourself/savings/identity safe and still utilize the awesomeness of meeting someone online?
Glad you asked. Let’s go over - how to date online safely.
We’ll break it down to each stage of a new online relationship:
Before the date
On the date
After the date
All these tips are in the getting-to-know-ya stage. Once you get to know them and meet a few times, you can drop these as you see fit.
1.) USE ONLY CREDIBLE SITES
Dangerous people are potentially everywhere, but it’s easier for them to operate on free sites.
Why? For starters, there’s no connecting through a chaperon-like third party, which conceals your real name, email and home address. On a free non-dating site, it’s just you and them instantly, one-on-one, with no oversight.
And with a free site, you’re not required to provide a credit card or really any identifying information. Not that information can’t be faked and made up on paid sites too (because that certainly happens - see spy guy above), but a legitimate fake profile takes more work.
Your Move: According to the folks at Get Safe Online, you should always stick to credible and legitimate dating sites.
So, avoid sites like BackPage and Craigslist, and this might be hard to hear, but you should also be leery of people you meet on social media.
2.) KEEP PERSONAL INFO PERSONAL
The (creepy) reality is that you have no idea who’s reading your profile or your social media posts.
Here's a short PSA that captures this perfectly...
The really scary part is that what you list/post could be used like little clues to track you down - and find you.
Armed with just one or two bits of info (name of your school or nearby movie theater you always hang out) could lead to a parked van without windows outside your house… Yipes.
If your personal/specific info gets in the wrong hands, besides assault or stalking, it could also lead to identity theft.
Your Move: According to LoveToKnow, you should always consider what you share in profiles, and make sure it's safe and suitable for anyone (more so people you don't know).
So, don’t include any specifics that could be used to find out who you are and where you live …. or who your friends are (first and last names, address, etc).
So you can say you love the movies, just don’t say you love to go to the theater on the 16th St. mall every Friday night.
Just remember that:
It’s impossible to get back information once it’s out there.
There will be plenty of time to share details if your relationship develops.
“I’d rather be sorry, than safe” - said no one ever.
You can also check out this comprehensive guide for protecting personal information for dating online safely.
3.) DON'T GIVE OUT HOME ADDRESS
Your home is your “home”.
You (should) feel safe and secure. Now picture the entire internet knowing where you live – and sleep.
Did you just get the shivers? Read that line again if you didn’t.
Your Move: Basically – never ever list your address on a dating site or any social media posts.
Besides not telling the internet, you should also hold off on sharing your address with your date until you’ve met them a couple times. Until then, just meet at the date location (see details below).
If a site requires an address, you could always get a cheap PO Box for around $8/per month.
4.) USE A UNIQUE USERNAME
You might be thinking – really? I have to careful of my username now too?
And in a fit of George Costanza like rage you click off this page or more drastically, cancel your profile.
Simma down.
You really just want to make sure you’re not spilling personal information with a too ‘on the nose’ username.
Your Move: If you have a unique name (again, I’m looking at you millennials), hold off on putting your real name on a dating site or even the first few emails till you feel comfortable with the other person.
When creating your username, you also don’t want to use too specific of a descriptor like Downtown_Deneice. (I don’t know if that’s really a name, but that was the first one that came to mind that was weird, but yet not).
Guys – I’m looking at you. Besides just safety, you can also stand out and impress a girl with your creativity. Most people put little thought into their username. So with a little effort, you’ll be able to stand out and get noticed with a better username.
It should also go without saying to avoid a username that’s too risqué or sexual, because it will no doubt garner attention from the wrong kind of person.
Bonus - Email
Since just about everyone’s main email contains their name or some identifying trait, you should create a separate non-descript email address just for your online dating.
(If you’ve had the same Hotmail account for 15 years, you might enjoy checking out what other email is like.)
A new and separate email will also help you manage your social life, allowing you a hassle free way to block any weird people or messages.
Even with a new account, you should still be wary of opening email attachments from someone you just met. Related – how is your security software? Is it up to date? Unique password for each site? (LastPass is great and free!)
5.) TAKE NEW PICS
The internet is equal parts awesome and awful.
As mentioned, anyone with Google and some free time can research your phone number. They can also do the same thing with Google images to learn more about you.
Your Move: Instead of using your go-to favorite photos, which at this point, are probably already splattered all over the web, you should take a few new pics.
Yep - Brand. New. Pics. It’s annoying, but safe.
Any picture you’ve already posted online maybe/probably includes some identifying details like - your name, address, school/work, etc.
Besides keeping your photos PG, here are some tips on how to perfect your dating profile pictures.
6) KEEP SOCIAL MEDIA ON LOCKDOWN
Social media is like a personal diary you share with trusted friends.
So unless you’re a bit paranoid or live a hermit lifestyle, or both (sorry hermits, on multiple levels), you’ve probably already posted a ton of personal info about yourself. We all have. That’s sort of what you do with social media (within reason).
What could a creeper learn about you armed with just your social media feed?
Your Move: Keep your interactions only to the legit dating site(s).
In other words, don’t find and friend them on Facebook or any other media.
However, you can certainly do some snooping (aka stalking) to find out more about them, especially if they don’t have their settings checked for privacy.
Speaking of, make sure your own privacy settings are set to friends only. If not for dating, your future employed self will thank you.
7.) GOOGLE YOURSELF
If someone does get a hold of your name or some other identifying information – what will they find?
Your Move: In your preferred browser, go to the incognito window if possible. That will give you an unbiased look at you, without your search history interfering.
Now search your full name and variations of your name.
Take a seat. Because what comes back might be a bit shocking.
Once/if you see something that should be deleted (for safety or a potential boss), here’s how to clean up anything you don't want online.
8. GOOGLE YOUR DATE
Who is the person behind the smiling profile?
Are they who they say they are? Are they holding something back from their dating profile? Are they someone completely different?
Catfishing has become a million dollar business, with scams happening every 15 minutes around the world. It’s become so popular, there’s even a tv show about catfishing.
Your Move: It would definitely be easier/safer if your date is already Date Certified, but you can still do an okay job with what’s available online.
So, you’ll want to perform an online search and try and find the same type of stuff you just secured about yourself.
Be sure to do an image search as well.
Using Google Image, you can either paste in an image url or copy and paste their image onto your desktop and then upload the image.
Not guaranteed, but you just might find out if they’re using an image of someone else.
Shameless plug, but you can also request that your date gets a Dateafied dating background check, which verifies their identity and vets their background to make sure they don’t have any past criminal behavior.
Even if (especially if) you’re excited about someone new, always take your time to get to know them before meeting.
Because it’s at these times that our strong feelings (infatuation, hormones, loneliness) can cloud our judgment.
If the person is worth meeting, then they’ll understand why you’re being cautious. If they don’t understand, are they really worth meeting?
9.) USE THE PHONE - TO CALL
Basically with the internet and a few seconds, someone can google your number and find where you live. Scary for your safety and your identity.
With Caller ID so prevalent and the fact that someone can find out your number with some old school reverse lookup, you could call your provider and tell them to block your number...
Your Move: Or you could just use a cell phone for those first couple calls and switch the Caller ID off.
Better still, you could use Google Voice, which gives you a random/safe Caller ID number - and it’s free.
10. WAIT TO TEXT
Sorry millennials, you’re gonna have to use the phone icon on your phone.
Yep, don’t text them.
Why? Well, there’s no way to block your number when texting.
And two, it allows you to hear their voice, which is harder to fake and gives you a better sense of who they are and what/if you have a connection.
Your Move: After the online dating introduction, a (Google Voice) phone call is a must.
Once you’ve met up at least once, then you can text away.
If the whole calling thing is new, you may want to have a list of things to talk about and a timer. Set the timer to 10 minutes. As soon as it dings, you can hang up. Leaving them wanting more is always a good thing.
11.) USE VIDEO CHAT
Video calling is a great way to literally ‘see’ who you’re dealing with. Besides just verifying they’re the person they claim to be, it’s also a great way to find out if those glamour shots are current and not from a mall twenty years ago.
Your Move: Check out what’s available for video chat, like Skype, Google Hangout, and Zoom. Then pick the one you like and will use - and use that one before every date.
You just want to be mindful of the background. If your room is decorated with some specifics that tie back to who you are, either take them down or chat from a nondescript room.
This should also go without saying, but keep it PG – at least until you’ve gone out a couple times. But even then you should be mindful of repercussions. Kim Kardashian might have made a name for herself with it – but (more than likely) you won’t.
At this point, you probably know to look out for the Nigerian Prince who wants to send you a billion dollars, but the bad guys and their scams have become much more sophisticated.
Whether subtle or overt, any of these moves should set your spidey sense tingling…
General Scammers/Creepers
Pressures you for info (personal or financial).
Controlling and seem to get angry way too easily.
Aggressively eager to meet.
Wants to quickly take it offline or off the dating site to personal email.
Weird Suspicious Actions
Claims to be recently widowed.
Leaves the site, then comes back with a different name.
Sends you emails with weird links to weird sites.
Wants your address to send you free gifts.
Potential Catfishers
Super vague about details and avoid giving you straight answers.
Always have an excuse for not meeting or talking over video/phone.
Uses language like you’re ‘destined’ to be together.
Always has something come up, which stops them from meeting you.
Foreign Peeps
Says they’re American, but currently out of the country on business.
Writing is atrocious. Like Google Translate wrote it… but didn’t spell check.
Unaware of current events/pop culture.
Send messages at weird times (weird like the middle of the night, rather than just during GoT) and from a foreign numbers/email.
12.) COMMON SCHEMES TO LOOK FOR
Here are some common ploys to watch out for…
Money
Any request, no matter how small or subtle, is an immediate red flag. (If you happen to be divorced, you also might want to check out our post “Dating red flags when you’re divorced.”)
Also watch out for anyone who wants to give you money or help make you millions.
You don’t have to be jaded or cynical at every kind gesture, but specifically giving away money (sadly) only happens in the movies (Brewster's Millions is kind of a classic).
Your Move: Never give money nor or any financial information - like your account or routing number.
As soon as a money request is brought up, you should immediately report them to the dating site. You’re still on the dating site, right?
Love
Yes, you’re unique and awesome and very lovable, but you should be wary of anyone who says they love you within a few days of emailing.
It’s not impossible, but to be really truly in love - you usually need to meet at least once
Your Move: Don’t accuse them of anything – even if it seems too soon. They might be totally into, or a bit too insecure. Either way, keep your guard up, and wait till you feel safe to meet them (see below for first date details).
Sad Story
Next you should be wary of anyone who sends you an email that should be accompanied by Sara McLachlan music.
If they tell you their plight and how only a few bucks could save their life or pay for family medical expenses – there’s a good chance it’s a scam.
Along the same lines, watch out for anyone who wants desperately to visit you, but needs money to pay for their ticket. If it’s not a scam, it’s a bad precedence that you’ll always be paying for them.
Your Move: You’re a good person, and not so nice people are trying to game that by taking advantage of your trust and sympathy. So besides the sad story, also watch out for widowers, veterans and basically any who has some reality tv like drama.
Blackmail
Lastly, be mindful that blackmail is a real thing.
One persuasion technique to watch out for is called the foot in the door technique, which is basically when someone asks you for small/tiny favors that gradually increase in size over time.
This is a way to escalate, say, showing your room, to showing your dresser, to maybe the undergarments in your drawer, to….
Your Move: Be careful of any video, pictures or confessions you share with someone online.
Once you share it, you can never unshared it – unless it’s Snapchat, but even that has workarounds. (Here’s another post on what are other online dating scams to look out for.)
If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Remember to trust your gut.
If your gut tells you something, then immediately stop all communication.
13.) CONFIRM WITH A FRIEND
A common ploy of scammers is to isolate their target. So one of your best defenses is to let a friend(s) know what is happening and get their take on it.
So, if someone immediately professes their love or hints at money, or you just get a general weirdo vibe, but … it’s not overt enough to report them, simply ask a friend what they think.
And actually listen to their suggestion.
14.) REPORT THEM
Once you suspect someone is up to no good (inappropriate/sexual/asking for money/etc), stop communicating, block (if possible) and report them.
This is on them, not you, so you shouldn’t feel guilty or silly for doing the right thing. The right thing is the right thing. And you probably aren’t the only person that’s getting harassed, so by you reporting them, you’re saving others.
The Police have national and local teams to attack fraudsters. Let them protect you – and others.
15.) WAIT TILL THEY PASS YOUR TESTS
Experts say to err on the side of caution and take your time to get to know the other person before meeting.
If it seems they only want to meet up at night or only in a creepy place - it’s their loss. Just move on. They’re not worth your time.
If your potential date passed all your tests, they were patient as you got to know them, and all their stories lined up - it’s time to meet!
Even though you’ve learned a lot about them and feel a connection don’t assume they’re totally safe. You still have to be on your guard. This person is still basically a stranger.
Here are some ways to be smart and be safe when you go to meet for the first few dates.
16.) MEET IN PUBLIC
Picture this - It’s dark and rainy as you pull your coat closer.
You walk past the Hemingway approved clean and well lit diner, and instead enter into the back alley.
You see a shadow figure.
It’s all good though - you’ve had like five emails convos and they seem totally cool.
Do you walk further into the dark alley?
As much as I don’t like to use dichotomous declarations, you should always only meet in a public place, which means never ever in private - like your home or (worse) theirs.
Being in a public place can simply prevent a bad thing from happening.
However, if heaven forbid, something bad did happen, having others around could save your life.
Your Move: A lot of experts recommend a coffee house/diner as the best place to meet.
(Save your walk in the park dates till like date five or six)
Besides the whole witnesses thing, a coffee date is just the right amount of time to get to know someone without having to be trapped by a longer dinner date, or worse, trapped on a broken ski lift for hours. Trust me.
Also, pick a place that’s not in your immediate neighborhood and that you’re not likely to go back.
Why? Well, if the date takes a turn for the worse, you won’t have to worry about running into them again - or outright avoiding your favorite haunts.
When you park (you did drive, right?), try and park your car in a busy area with a lot of light.
When the date is over, be mindful of having them walk you to your car.
17.) MEET THERE
Why take the time to meet in a public place if you’re just going to be alone with them in a car?
For all the reasons above (you don’t know and trust them yet), you should meet them at the date location.
Your Move: Even if they offer to pick you up from your home or work, politely decline.
You’ll gain points for being a bit elusive and that you’re in charge of your own life.
If you don’t have a car, Uber is always an option.
Being able to leave whenever you want is key. And not just for safety, though there’s that, but what if the date is terrible or just plain awkward.
18.) WATCH ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION
If you’re meeting in a bar (or a hip Starbucks that serves wine), be vigilant on the intake.
For starters, being sloppy drunk is never a good first impression.
Alcohol can also throw off your judgment (of the person and circumstance) as well as lower your inhibitions. So what normally wouldn’t be a good idea, now sounds reasonable.
Better to be alert and on top of your game.
Also getting a DUI isn’t the best way to remember a first date.
Your Move: Know your limit – then have less than that.
Once you have your drink in hand, always keep it in sight. You still have no idea (really) who this person is.
While you’re at it, keep your personal items (wallet, phone, etc) with you as well.
Having your date go through your stuff and collect info (address on your license or type of car on your insurance) can lead to bad things.
Or if they just straight up steal your stuff, that’s not good either.
19.) LET SOMEONE KNOW
This is the one thing you’re probably doing.
You might not be doing any of the items listed above, but telling a friend/family member that you’re meeting your online date is kind of a no brainer.
If not for safety, at least to brag.
But are you doing it right?
The details, not the bragging.
Your Move: When you tell some about your internet date (is that still a thing people call it?) you want to include as much detail as possible:
Where you are going (what’s the name of the place, what’s the address)
What time will you be there
When do you expect to be back
Most importantly - who you’ll be with
In case your date takes a turn for the scary, think about what info your friend (or the police if it’s really scary) would need for you to be safe.
For instance (and this may seem over the top), but once you meet them at your date location, ask to see their driver’s license. You’ll want to wait till you actually meet to ask for it so they’re not able to create a fake one.
Once you have the license, take a picture and text it to a friend, or call your friend and read off the license number and the date of birth.
Besides your friend having the info, your date also knows that someone now has their info, which (hopefully) will stop any bad behavior.
20.) SAFETY CHECK
Third wheel for the win.
Well, maybe not the win, but definitely for safety.
Your Move: Having your friend come into the date location and sit nearby it totally legal. Getting feedback (read judged with love) about your dating game is just a nice bonus.
Code Words
If having a friend come with you ‘on the date’, you can also go over some code words and have your friend call you.
You could say something like the Eagle has left the nest – but that would be weird. Don’t be weird.
A better option would be to relate to something on the date. If you’re at a diner and
you feel safe and are having fun, you could say like ‘the service is great’ (translation - all good here), or if the date is awkward and/or scary you could say ‘the menu is overpriced’ (translation - come get me quick).
Safe Call
A follow up safe call is also a good idea, where either you call a specific person to check in, or that specific person calls you at a designated time to make sure you’re all right.
Related - dates can take an unexpected and fun turn, but just be careful you don’t go someplace that doesn’t have good phone reception. So save those woodsy scenic dates till later.
APPS
There are some apps that are could also be helpful.
Apps like Find My Friends or Glympse can track your location in real time. So if you and your friends have that app, they can see where you’re at in that exact moment, which is great in case you end up some place unexpected (either in a good or bad way).
21.) SAFETY PRECAUTIONS
How you pay for the outing varies by situation. Credit cards can be canceled and in the event of theft, you can report charges as fraudulent.
Your Move: If you're going on a date (or going out in general), carrying as little cash as possible can limit any losses if someone tries to steal from you.
This one is intense, but do it. Carry pepper spray.
You can attach it to a keychain or something that is easily grab-able - just make sure the cap is on tight. Related - practice how it works a couple of times.
We don’t learn new things very well when we perform them under stress. This is why we practice fire drills under zero stress rather than just waiting till the real thing.
So, practice and take lessons as needed.
If you didn’t drive, then have your friend come back to pick you up, or get an Uber, or tell them your friend is picking you up and then when your date leaves, get an Uber..
Just like you wouldn't get into your date’s car, don’t have them walk you home.
Yes, it’s chivalrous and nice people offer to walk you home, but they’re still basically a stranger, and if they turn out to be creepy, you don’t want them knowing where you live.
If it was a great date and you don’t want to hurt their feelings, you can them down easy and tell them you had a tough workout (or whatever’s relevant).
If they counter with offering to drive you home, again they probably have good intentions, but you can still politely decline and say your ride is already on its way.
22.) TRUST YOUR GUT
Most important of all - trust that little voice in your head.
If it’s giving you a bad feeling or the hairs on the back of your neck are standing up - it’s time to end the date. Especially if you catch them in any type of lie or anything shady.
It’s your right and privilege to end any and all dates that aren’t fun or that just seem off. Who cares what the other person thinks. Safety trumps all. If the other person starts to pressure you in anyway, again, it’s their loss. Bi-Bye.
Your Move: Go into the date expecting to have fun (otherwise why are you on the date), but also think through what you will do if you feel uncomfortable and want to leave.
A great resource is the Date Safe Project, which provides positive how-to skills and helpful insights about consent, boundaries and sexual decision-making.
Online dating is the future, there’s no doubt about it.
However, you definitely want to be mindful and prepare for all possibilities.
Almost akin to driving a car. In some areas it’s a necessity and who doesn’t love a good road trip. But you would never just jump right into a car without learning how it all works and how to handle the unexpected if/when it happens.
Online dating can be great (and can answer how to impress a girl). You’ll just want to be mindful in your online selection process and have a game plan to be safe while you’re on the date.
To get started, check out your online profile and online footprint, and clean up anything with too much information or paints you in a bad light (ie any picture with you and a beer-bong).
For women, it can be especially scary out there. So, here’s a list of safety tips for women in online dating.
Comment below on what you noticed about your profile or any creepy/warning stories that might help others.
If you'd like to improve your dating profile description and attract more dates, check out how to get Date Verified and date more often.
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